"I'm not an alcoholic"
I thought that my drunkenness was a rare, unpleasant variation on my generally controlled drinking, and that it was just a matter of time before I figured out how to cease doing the not-fun part of drinking so that I could continue doing the fun part. Giving it up altogether was not an option; the idea of going out to dinner and not drinking seemed like going to a pool that had no water in it and just walking back and forth along the bottom instead of swimming. So there was a lot at stake in figuring out how to do it right.
both my drinking and my efforts to drink less were forms of self-abuse.